happy new year

This year instead of making resolutions to loose 500 pounds, make 1 million dollars, run a marathon and fall in love...I choose to make a vow to see what already is with new eyes. I keep coming up against a wall that tells me...nothing is wrong with you or your life outside of the way you are seeing it...you are blessed... So, I choose to wake up in the morning...look outside my window...and take in all that is good, already.

we are each other's angels

Encouragement always comes when I least expect it...and often from people I don't even know. This past week, as I've been slacking on taking pictures and learning more about photography, I've received lots of gentle nudges. Gifts - such as a tripod and a camera bag, and emails from people I've never met telling me how much they like my work and that I should get it out there more. These words of support always seem divinely timed to me...too well planned to be random or chance. They always come when I am feeling vulnerable or insecure. It has to be more than serendipity.

(click the title link to hear the song)

the future is becoming more clear...or, less fuzzy

I've been stuck and receiving verbal lashings from Charity, my "hold me accountable" friend. Whenever I get inspired about something - and think it might be a key to my future or purpose in life, I call Charity and regurgitate it to her...and then ask her to help me explore it - not let me forget it - and not let me off the hook about it. Fortunately, but also irritatingly to me - Charity has a mind for details and has chosen to actually believe me when I say to her, "I want people in my life who will not let me play small and who will painstakingly ignore me when I claim I can't do something...". She has also chosen to believe that the things I share with her as fantasy ideas...such as..."I think I'll be a writer, a photographer, a chef...and I'll open a community center..." are real and concrete possibilities. I've forgotten to memo her that I take myself ridiculously unseriously and never fathomed that someone else would actually think I could accomplish any of these things. Recently my voicemail from Charity have been to discuss her opinion that I am cheating myself by not writing more...not posting more...not exploring more. So, sigh - this one is for you my friend. Look - there are loads of words and a photo...a step forward. I've given myself permission to just write this without having purpose or perfection in mind. Write to write...because it frees me and moves me and opens me to allow new things to flow through me. Turns out that in the process of getting myself to post even this paragraph I've had another desire present itself to me. Movement in any direction allows new energy to flow in. I think I'd like to go to school for art therapy. Getting there seems impossible - but I see the colors and the light around the corner. Don't let me forget.

no title

maine light

embrace the road before you

"Don't surrender your loneliness

So quickly.

Let it cut more deep.

-

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can.

-

Something missing in my heart tonight

Has made my eyes so soft,

My voice

So tender,

-

My need of God

Absolutely

Clear."

-

~Hafiz

in need of patience

When I get to Heaven I'm pretty sure the first thing God will say to me is, "Can I have your license and registration please." Then he might want to have a talk with me about how swearing like a demon possessed woman and driving up the butt of the person ahead of me in traffic was not a very spiritual or neighborly thing to do. Maybe he'll remind me that he places things like horribly bad drivers in our lives to teach us patience and tolerance. I'll try to play it off like it was just that one time, but I'm pretty sure this dog will be up in heaven too...and that he will continue to give me deploring looks like he did that day after I slammed on my breaks next to him. Then he will rat me out to God and suggest that for eternity I should have to get around by segway rather than the 1969, cherry red Mustang convertible that I'm hoping is waiting for me.

ninja tree

I could not get my eyes off this tree. It made me laugh. All its little knobby appendages seemed to me arms and legs and secret ninja weapons. It was standing peacefully amongst all the smooth trees...but also on guard.

sit with it

I read in a book recently - and this is a paraphrase as I don't own the book - that it's quite likely that when we experience great resistance to ideas we have and things we want to do....the resistance may be a signal that there is much positive to gain by doing said thing. Many of us give up at the first sign of anything coming against the journey we are about to begin. This is true for me - big time. The Bonnie Hunt Show was on in the background as I got ready to leave this morning. She read a passage from a book that urged the reader to do anything at all today towards that "thing" they've been avoiding. There is something that I've been wanting to learn for a while. I keep putting it off because I am a slow learner and it seemed too hard and I couldn't get myself to concentrate. Bolstered by advice from the two different sources I took the hint that today was the day. I drove to a local Panera - ordered lunch;ate lunch;balanced my checkbook;sent some text messages;listened to music on my Zune;sat and stared at all the people around me. I'd made a decision that there was no other option but for me to do this today, so I just sat and sat while on the inside the resistance had a temper tantrum. Then, when it settled down, I took out what I'd brought and did my best to take the information in and apply it, one moment at a time. On my drive home I realized I felt lighter, excited, relieved, peaceful, powerful. There indeed was much to be gained by diving into this thing I'd been avoiding and resisting. Now that I am no longer fighting with the resistance I've freed myself up to take more in. I can't wait to see what happens next.

thoughts

I miss:

Living in CA and taking for granted walking on the beach every night, watching the sunset and hoping to spy a dolphin...

Being annoyed with Charity as she chatted during our entire hour and a half trek to Whidbey Island to take the ferry to Port Townsend to go to massage school...i am not a morning person...i could not understand why she wanted to talk in the morning...also, i am from the east coast and did not understand why she was being so nice, i thought she had something up her sleeve...now that she's 3000 miles away i'd be willing to put up with a little chatting

I like:

Pasta that is cooked el dente...if it is mushy just feed it to a baby or an old man who has lost all his teeth...but don't give it to me...i am Italian...i want my pasta to bite back when i sink my teeth into it...

Rainy days...because then i don't feel guilty if i want to read a book all day or never get out of my pj's...i like them better when someone spends them with me...also in their pj's...and possibly including building a fort in the living room...and then watching movies through a hole in the fort...

Safety is:

Hearing a mourning dove make it's call...

Music with a soulful or bluesy voice...like Mark Broussard, Amos Lee or Diana Krall...but mostly any music...unless it's hair band 80's music...that's good for other things...

I hope:

To meet the man God created for me...and to fall in love...and get married...and build a life together...i also hope there is such a man...

To accomplish something that has meaning before i die...something that is beyond myself and that requires great efforts of a community of people to achieve...and that leaves a positive impact in the world...and that can't happen unless there is a power greater than the sum of us helping us...

I am grateful for:

Friends & Family who give me more grace than i deserve...and love me more than i know how to take in...

Laughter...the silent laughter that cuts off your breathing and causes great tears to roll down your cheeks because it needs to escape somehow...the kind that embarrasses whoever you're with because it's loud and boisterous and draws attention...the deep, hearty chuckle...the kind that makes you fall off your chair and pee your pants a little bit...i love it all

letting go

I decided I'd done enough for the day. I lit some candles and curled up with a bowl of chicken soup and a couple of old books to peruse. Everything I need to do will still be there tomorrow.

we all want to be heard

While the galette was baking I sat down to knit some more of the bulletin board. The women who peppered my day floated into my thoughts. The one who sat to the left of me at a church I tried this morning who smiled shyly and patted an empty seat for me, squeaking out "comfortable". She looked worn and tired and seemed pleased to have somebody sitting by her side, even a stranger. To the right a woman who would not sit still. She seemed to be having a leg cramp and made painful noises as she wiggled in her seat and looked at me. I thought she just needed some attention. Not having anything scheduled, I meandered through my day - grocery shopping and doing errands slowly....which caused me to pay attention more to those around me. At Walgreen's, the Indian woman who developed my pictures beamed over one saying it looked just like a painting and that she loved the sun and the shadows. In my normal rush I would have said thank you and parted....today I took a pause and asked her if she painted. She said she was putting together an art show, she had 15 paintings done so far and that they were religious paintings of people...they were hard to find and therefore valuable. She had much hope in a future where she could paint all day. When I left she seemed more relaxed, her smile was radiant. I think it mattered that somebody saw "her" - not just a clerk behind a counter. At Stop & Shop the woman bagging my groceries looked to be past retirement age. She asked me if I was ready for the holiday....and with a little encouragement told me that she was having everyone to her house...38 people. Her eldest is now 18, so she can no longer pass people off to the kids table. She was excited to be able to cook for her family again...but was perplexed about where to seat them all. I think that sometimes we are all just waiting to be heard. We want someone to witness our lives...to know that we exist. We want to matter.

p.s. the galette....very interesting

seasons

As the mornings grow colder, I dream of spring.

shadows of possibility that was

Is "use it or lose it" an absolute, or does a remnant of potential always remain?

dream a little dream

I said no and felt relieved. Being true to myself frees up time to create the things I do want.

(view finder layer compliments of vin60)

then there were four

(rose view finder compliments of vin60)

gratitude

The way I think can always use a little tweaking. There is rarely a moment when I am so full of gratitude that I would absolutely spill over and make a soupy, sticky, positive mess of all the people around me. . . . and really, I think my life would be better if that were the case. Too often, for example, I find myself focusing on the incessant, nerve grating car noise outside my bedroom window rather than on the fact that I have a bedroom, and a window...and a bed...and ears that work...and the option to put in ear plugs...or to just get up and go outside and take a walk...because I have legs...and they work too. Gratitude. When I can't change the world around me, or - mostly - the people...I can choose to change the way I look at it....or them.

i want someone to...

...have dinner with. I would tell you that today I read Donald Miller's Blog and that I find him interesting and funny and that he makes me think and that we should probably be friends because he makes me laugh and he wrote that he has a big kitchen that he never uses and I know I'd make good use of it. And I'd add that I found it really cool that he got to have a meal with Anne Lamott because even though I find her quirky and sometimes too liberal even for me, when I read her books I feel human, and alive, and much, much closer to God and I think she is a kindred spirit. I'd ask you how your day was, what made you pause...was there anything I can help you with. I'd ask you to hold my hand and let me know that everything is alright, that I don't have to prove my worth and it's OK to just BE. I'd tell you that Nancy said she was going to send the journal and that she is going on another trip to Europe and that when she said she missed me, my heart ached. I'd tell you Bethany called to say she was pregnant and that her and Jason might move to the East Coast again...and that I held onto that hope. I'd tell you that the sound of Amy's voice on the phone today felt like safety and that I wish she and Scott weren't so, so far away. You'd listen, knowing that things just are what they are...that it's hard to have the ones who mean the most to you be the ones who are so far away...and you'd know not to fix it, but to just sit with me - because sometimes all we need is to be understood.

the simple things

Leaning over the counter, elbows partway in the sink, we observed the happenings in the yard through the warmth of the sun drenched window. He said he was not ready for winter this year. The squirrel broke open each nut, seemed to lick it, then buried it in the lawn. One by one, measured persistence. He was amazed by them. How could they remember, in the middle of winter, where they'd left their treasure? It's part of nature, I said, to find our way home...against all odds.

the wood song

I thought of you today. I told myself I was grumpy and cantankerous because people don't know how to drive and I have 7 loads of laundry to do...and that darn squirrel would not cooperate for his portrait.

Once I settled into myself and shed the inevitable tear, the peace I know to be truth settled itself into my heart, took up residence in my mind and spoke soft whispers of hope to my soul.

People live on in our hearts. Sometimes absence allows for a deeper knowing, a different perspective.

perspective

I had to remember that the way I view the world is not the only way - or the right way. My thoughts and beliefs are based on MY life experience – they are not necessarily truth. It’s important to look up, out of my own world, in order to keep perspective and try to understand somebody else.

(view finder compliments of vin60)

yum. enough said.

I mean to brag! I just made the best tasting chili I've had in a long time. I have to share this recipe - it would just be wrong not to. This wimpy china bowl does not do it justice, nor does this picture - this is hands down a prize winning, man satisfying chili!

I found two recipes online that looked good - one was with meat, the other was a three bean - so I just combined them the best I could. I never follow a recipe exactly so I'm going to guesstimate what I used. Go with the flow and I'm sure yours will rock too.

• olive oil to almost cover bottom of large pot
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 medium onions, chopped
• 1 pound ground turkey (i used all natural, no hormones, etc)
• some salt
• some freshly ground black pepper
• 1 green bell pepper, chopped
• 1 red bell pepper, chopped
• 1 large jalapeno pepper, seeded and chopped
• 1 bottle of Sam Adams October Fest beer (minus the test gulps)
• 1 160z* can dark red kidney beans (not drained)
• 1 160z* can black beans (not drained)
• 2 160z* cans diced tomatoes (with chiles ?)
• 5 tablespoons chili powder
• some garlic salt
• 1 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
• 2 tablespoons ground cumin
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 16oz* can refried beans
• * whatever is closest to 160z

Cook the garlic, onions and ground turkey in the olive oil on medium heat. Add salt and pepper, break meat up with spatula and cook 'til browned. Throw in the red, green and jalapeno peppers and cook for a minute. Add the beer and stir. I turned up to medium high at this point. Allow to cook while you open your diced tomatoes, kidney beans and black beans - then chuck them all in. Cook for a few minutes. Next add your spices; chili powder, garlic salt, hot pepper sauce, cumin and Worcestershire sauce. Cook five minutes longer then add the refried beans to thicken. Taste test and add more spices if desired. As is usual, the recipes suggested serving with cheddar cheese, scallions or sour cream. I found this so, SO good that I just ate it as is. ENJOY!!!

feed me

even the most mundane things have beauty

cannoli fake-out

Cannoli soldiers awaiting the arrival of today's 'stitch-n-bitch' guests. One got out of line and had to be taken prisoner. Quite delicious.

sissy's stool

It was interesting to get the history of the building. We were surprised at how big it was behind the scenes. She may have been sewing a tale or two but she treated us to a smile and a little conversation. The beer was cheap.

new music

Messing about on playlist.com this morning I came across a band I've never heard before. They were influenced by U2, Van Morrison and The Police - so I had to have a listen. Also - they like Guinness and believe that the Irish have soul - just like the dude in one of my favorite movies, The Commitments, does. Check out The Script.

out my window sunday evening

Forgetfulness

"The name of the author is the first to go followed obediently by the title, the plot, the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of, as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain, to a little fishing village where there are no phones. Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag, and even now as you memorize the order of the planets, something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps, the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay. Whatever it is you are struggling to remember, it is not poised on the tip of your tongue, not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen. It has floated away down a dark mythological river whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall, well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle. No wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war. No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted out of a love poem that you used to know by heart."

by, Billy Collins

on my walk today i saw...

texture

light

color

fall

(view finder compliments of vin60)

harry hippie

His voice is a balm for my cantankerous soul.
For your listening pleasure click below.

Marc Broussard

out my window sunday morning

sunrise. a rare moment of quiet on a normally busy street. fresh air. the gift of peace on a fall morning.

light bulb

I just experienced conscious knowledge of my growth.

I brought my first “Color” magazine to work today – in fact, it is the first one period, the premiere issue. My intentions were to rip a few pages out and hang them up in my cubicle to make it a little less…well, grey. I am surrounded by grey. I had in mind the pages I wanted to pull out – the ones that had my jaw on the floor upon first view – the ones that inspired me to buy the magazine. I remember those first moments; aware that I was looking at something beautiful, that I felt alive, and that I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to create something like that and had no clue how. Having purchased the magazine on my lunch hour I went back to the office and showed the pictures to anyone who would listen and repeated, “isn’t that cool…look how she did that…have you ever seen a process like that…”

----

They humored me.

----

As I excitedly flipped through the pages this morning I found that I wasn’t as turned on as I’d been the first time. I still admired the ones I had liked but now I was able to see that I’d begun to gain the skills to take similar pictures (present blog pictures excepted...these are just for fun). No, my quality is not near theirs, nor is my knowledge of photography or even how to use my camera…but I was no longer viewing the pages through the eyes of a complete novice and therefore the images were reflecting different information back to me.

----

This was the first moment I became consciously aware of the efforts I’ve put in to learn something about this art. I feel fresh and alive with new excitement. Aware of my growth I feel a new willingness to commit to stay on this path and to learn more. Also – now I don't have the guts to tear a page out of the magazine. It contains the history of my journey and I want to leave it intact.

new sport

I spent way too much time today creating a new online dating profile. Why is it so hard? LOL I think writing the profile and going on the actual dates should be considered for a new Olympic sport. So far I haven't had too many horror stories...but certainly some interesting ones. Ugh. The things we do for love.

the berkshires

I finally made it to the Berkshires in MA to take some last fall foliage pictures. As soon as I arrived it started to pour rain. I held out hope all the way to Stockbridge - with the lyrics from James Taylor's Sweet Baby James stuck in my head ("now the first of December was covered with snow...and so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston...") before I gave up. I drove through the town, gave a nod to Alice's Restaurant and considered checking out the Norman Rockwell Museum before I turned back. Wanting to have accomplished something I pulled over randomly and snapped this picture...just so I could say "Tania was here".

the dentist

My dentist finally figured me out.

I act like a big baby...

...so they put me in the kids room.

It made me laugh so much I insisted on taking a picture.

Such a good reminder never to take myself too seriously.

change

Anne called to say that everything was working out just as they planned. While she was excited to celebrate - she also had a nervous knot in her stomach. Everything they've been working so hard for is finally becoming real...and that is scary. I totally get it. Change is hard. Sometimes it's easier to dream than to have. There is no disappointment in the fantasy.

scrabble

I get my butt kicked E-V-E-R-Y time.

It's about the journey, right?

collard greens

she was on the phone while i prepared the collard greens

reminding me of who i used to be

who I still am.

making me laugh.

despite the time and distance

the changes in our lives, our hearts, our bodies

she is still ann. i am still me.

we are still friends

sometimes all our friends need to do is mirror us back to our selves so that we can find the strength that still lies within despite the way things may appear.

yoga toes

Amarilis was wearing these at work.

Her toes looked happy.

I bought some too.

I like them.

crazy "crooked sidewalk" mittens

My first pair of mittens.

Amy taught me to knit on my red(ish), camel(ish) back couch in Bellingham, WA. Ever since I have become a yarn snob. I find it very hard to work with anything from the chain stores. I prefer hand spun, hand dyed...high quality yarns....when I can afford them. I've decided I'd rather save up my pennies and knit one thing I really like with yarn I really love, then to have a bunch of things lying around 'just because'. Also - I like giving my money to someone who is putting their heart into handcrafting something unique. This skein of "crooked sidewalk" came from an etsy seller named Hobbledehoy. I copied a pattern out of a book on my lunch hour. Despite how many times it said to - I didn't bother to check the gauge. The thumbs look like they are on steroids. The result is very satisfying none the less.

great (great, great ?) aunt man's oatmeal bread

I read this somewhere on the internet last week

and experienced acknowledgment deep down in my soul:

“A life too easy or escapable quickly becomes meaningless.”

At the request of my cousin Jennie and friend ‘Sister Mary Catherine’, I committed to making Great Aunt Man’s homemade oatmeal bread. From start to finish, in an old – slightly rusty – hand cranked bread ‘machine’ the whole process takes about 4 hours. A quantity of time and patience that is hard to come by in our fast paced world.

I was rewarded by not taking the easy way out. Over the 4 hours my mind began to settle. I tuned into the peace of making something by hand. My body and hands felt purposeful while they cranked the bread machine and kneaded the dough. The fresh baked bread smell permeating the kitchen enveloped me in a sense of safety.

I’m going to endeavor to invest in the meandering road more often…to doing the things that require effort…and stretch me out of the comfort zone of ease and convenience.

coventry farmers' market

It was the perfect day for the farmers' market.

Blue sky, colorful Autumn leaves, fresh air.

I am so happy Shauna introduced me to it.

My newly felted bowl has a purpose.